Compassion and Unexpected Ponies
Introvert’s confession. The last few weeks have been tough. What should be an introverted writer’s dream of unlimited hours of time not socializing, hours of reflection and writing, time to dream and prepare talks has been more than challenging. I’m not alone in this, right?
Mornings of delight in leisurely coffee sipping and waking up with no place to be have been replaced all too frequently with being just plain pissed off at the idea of another day being stuck indoors. Years of waking up and dashing off to the gym by the time the doors opened, cruising through the coffee drive through to grab a latte, being the first person to reach the office (thereby proving my commitment in a weird way) are over. Finally I can shuffle in to the kitchen, pop a coffee pod in the coffee maker then sit my pajam-ed bottom at my desk to write whatever I want for however long i want. But now I feel done, just plain done.
I’m done with this new normal. But more Importantly I’m done with my gloomy attitude. The frustration with this situation has slowly begun to fall away as I have tired of my Eeyore attitude. To pull myself up and out, I have re-upped my commitment to my mediation practice. Assisted by my favorite podcast Ten Percent Happier I learn that I am not the only one struggling with our global situation. I have also ramped up my “noticing” practice. As I have turned off the tv and the incessant news yammering and chosen only to read uplifting emails, blog posts, news articles I have noticed a shift in attitude, a lifting of the fog of pissed off-ness. And self compassion has begun to creep in.
In true Bob Newhart video clip style, I told myself to STOP IT. (If you have never seen this TV show clip, please stop now and go to YouTube to watch it. Just enter STOP IT in the search bar.) This may not be the most gentle of “noticing practices” but it works for me. Fog of gloom which settled in for various reasons is lightening up ever so slightly. Annoyance at not being able to reach the people I need to reach (what the heck are they doing….they are all at home) or not getting commitments produced (again, what are they doing, watching cat videos?) caused me to notice where this path was leading. Only down, spiraling into a vat of pity and morose thoughts. STOP IT. I was doing it again. But couldn’t I serve up a little self pity? Well, no. We certainly do deserve to feel what we are feeling, but hey, just take a pause. Be compassionate. Be gentle. Be real!
And then came the shift to looking for the pony (the optimistic little boy when presented with a pile of manure exclaims that there must be a pony in there somewhere.) Where’s the silver lining? Count my blessings. Be grateful….which then went down the into that sequel of rabbit holes of feeling shame for not being grateful. STOP IT. And so the cycle continues. But it is a cycle and not a dead end.
What does work? What does help? To STOP IT indeed. To pause. To take a breath. To be gentle with myself. To think of my wonderful family. To think of my beautiful friends. To lean on my belief in the human condition. To know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To know that although a door has slammed shut, another will open and I’m just spending a little reflective time in the hallway between those doors where unknown and exciting opportunities await. Maybe even a pony.